The Back Burner: My Name Is David Horowitz

Andrew Garib, Turn Left | Link | LOOK, LIBERALS ARE EVIL. THEY’RE ALSO STUPID AND HYPOCRITICAL. They brainwash you everyday (especially at your local college or liberally-biased media outlet). They cry over nothing. They are all Marxists some way or another. They, and not conservatives, are the true racists. Oh yeah, and they hate America. End of story.

My name is David Horowitz. I came to your school a couple weeks back, with an invitation from the local chapter of Students for Academic Freedom, the Republicans and all three staff members of the Cornell American. My talk was called ‘Academic Freedom and the War on Terrorism.’ Some of you took that as a sign that my talk would be a reasoned, interesting academic discussion. Boy, was the joke ever on you.

You see, my Academic Bill of Freedom, which is designed to get more conservatives into the ivory tower of academia, is actually a huge hilarious ruse. I used liberal language and ideas and turn them against those pinkocommunist nuts. Hypocrites! Racists!

Well, ok, on closer inspection my Bill is a load of crap, granted. But it’s one hell of an ego boost when I make the Cornell Daily Sun. ‘Horowitz Speaks About Liberal Bias’! No analysis, no dissection, no dissent – my kinda paper! If you missed it, lemme tell ya—my talk went great. The audience was primed for intake of my drivel: I called Nancy Hopkins, the MIT biologist who called out Lawrence Summers on his provocative comment about women’s aptitude for science, a racist; then, I conflated genetic predisposition for athletic prowess with gender-based intellectual aptitude. (I first asked if people thought that men and women were different, and then I asked if it was surprising that so many of the fastest men and women on earth were black. No one seemed to notice the difference between the two!) Stupid feminists!

I also suggested that racism doesn’t exist in America anymore (except, it seems, among liberals); and then I lied and said that slavery declined in the years after the declaration of independence, when any high school kid could tell you the opposite occurred. (It’s much easier to do this crazy rant stuff in front of a crowd that lacks basic knowledge of its own history!) But hey, it’s all in the name of Academic Freedom!

To be fair, I’m not such a bad guy. Really this whole affair is just an ego trip—the versions of my Academic Bill of Freedom that passed in state legislatures across the country are so watered down, they’re as good as meaningless. And really, when it comes down to it, no rational person takes me seriously anyways (there was a definite dearth of Cornell academics in the audience when I last lectured in old Stalinist Ithaca). I guess I’m just another Anne Coulter or Bill O’Reilly, a pseudo-intellectual broken gramophone, with the volume turned up all the way. Life is hard for oppressed white males like me these days. But I take it one crazy unfounded claim at a time.

God Bless America—well at least the conservative part of it! End.